I love the beach. I love to watch and listen to the waves. Usually I find that relaxing. Sometimes however, when you are in the ocean the waves can hit you harder and faster than you expect. The opposite of relaxing, that kind of experience can become ever more tiresome, even grueling. We’ve been back in Brazil now for two months and the waves have been growing in intensity.

• The Political Wave – Brazil has made international headlines with the widespread corruption scandal, protests in the streets, and moving forward with Presidential impeachment hearings. Some days the tension here is palpable. Prices are high, store shelves are not stocked with many options, and everyone talks about the uncertainty of the future.
• The Emotional Wave – Due to economic instability in Brazil and other factors within our own mission sending agency, many of our beloved missionary colleagues and ex-pat friends have left Brazil and returned to the USA. While I have many, many dear Brazilian friends, there is something akin to feeling like you’ve become an “empty nester” all over again, when you realize that your “American family members” have left home. There is sense of loss over not having had the opportunity to even say “goodbye” to many dear friends. On top of that, there is the sadness of having said goodbyes to friends and family in the USA once again.
• The Ministry Wave – Mark has had a very intense travel schedule since our return to Brazil, beginning not quite 48 hours after our arrival. He has logged thousands of air miles, both domestic and international. He has lots of exciting news of what is happening in Mexico, Central, and Latin America in Theological Education, but he will post about that when he gets home. (These are good waves, but they are one right after the other with little break between waves to catch one’s breath.)
• The Spiritual Wave – Honestly, for me, it’s been a battle. I have been home alone for most of the past two months. While I admit, I do enjoy a bit of “me” time, this has been a stretch. After unpacking, scrubbing all the mold and mildew out the closets, washing every single thing that was left here and stored during our time in the USA, reorganizing and painting the bedrooms, planning out our ministry calendar for the year and doing all my “normal” daily ministry activities, I still had way too much time on my hands! I found myself falling into what I call the “blue funk fog”. Have you been there? It’s the place you just kind of slip into, without meaning to go there, and you just hang out. It’s not productive. You don’t make any real progress in the direction you need to be going. You don’t feel any joy—you just complete one task and move on to the next. You survive, but you don’t thrive. You begin to feel you are just being carried along to somewhere you don’t really want to go. This is a dangerous place for me. When I’m here I begin to feel fearful, sorry for myself, and begin to drift off course.

Lessons from the beach

I remember on a certain occasion going to the beach. Now, I am not a strong swimmer and I certainly am not coordinated enough to surf. But I do enjoy riding the waves on a boogie board. I knew the current was carrying me farther down the beach each time, but I stayed in the water anyway. I thought I could handle it. The water was only waist deep but some of the waves were nearly 5 feet tall. The waves were coming in hard and fast, one right after the other. Once the bigger waves settled down a bit I realized that I had drifting further down the beach, away from my family, and the undertow there was a lot stronger than I was. I found myself fighting against it to no avail. I had stayed in the water so long that by the time I realized I was in danger I couldn’t seem to make any headway trying to walk through the waist-deep water to get back to my family or back to the shore. The rest of the family couldn’t see me anymore and thought I had already gone in. No one knew I was in trouble. The only thing I knew I could do was sit on the board and let the current carry me over to the point that curved around at the other end of the beach. I knew it was unlikely I would drift out farther than that point. I knew the beach and knew the water was shallow over by the rocks at the point. So, I calmed down and settled myself on the board and allowed the current to carry me to the rocks at the other end of the beach. Once there I was able to climb off, hold onto the rocks and make my way to the shore and begin my long walk back.

 

That was an experience I don’t ever want to repeat! It would have been far better to make some adjustments sooner and not continue to stay in the water being battered by the waves. In fact, it would have been even better if I had noticed the red warning flag on that section of the beach advising of the strong currents! So, this past month, after wave after wave hit me and I began to feel myself growing tired and being pulled in the wrong direction I knew I needed to make some adjustments; and the sooner, the better! This time I saw the warning flag and I knew I had to get out of the water of self-pity and loneliness. The Lord used my time alone here in the past weeks to get my attention and speak to me.

Lessons from Loneliness

Much like the plan I made at the beach that day, I knew I needed a plan for dealing with those political, emotional, ministry and spiritual waves which were wearing me out, or the undertow would take me where I did not want to go. God has blessed me in so many ways. He has given us an important ministry here in Brazil and we feel 100% certain that this is where He would have us at this time. Still, some days are just plain hard. And, it’s in those hard moments that He teaches me more about himself.

Mark and I take lots of pictures. We take pictures of places we have lived and places we have visited; we take pictures of friends and pictures of family. We look at our pictures often—on our phones, on the screensavers of our computers, framed and hanging on the walls. Our pictures are reminders of special memories. Yet, if all I ever had of my grandchildren were their pictures, I would only know a small portion of who they are. A sweet picture can make me smile or even laugh, but it is still only a flat, static image that represents a memory of a time past, or perhaps a moment in the present that I am not a part of.

A video clip, on the other hand might make me feel more a part of action in the present. Even though it captures a moment in the past, I can almost envision myself there as I am virtually reliving the experience watching the video in the present. It’s not flat and static. The sound adds to the imagery and feeds my imagination. Still, the interaction is only one sided. Watching a video is bittersweet; in the end, it doesn’t necessarily help the relationship grow.

Conversation, on the other hand is participative. It is real time. It is present tense with forward momentum. It is going somewhere. While pictures and videos help stem the tide of loneliness, nothing takes the place of a good real-time (or FaceTime) conversation. I enjoy those unscheduled, unexpected quick phone calls just to say hello or pass on some piece of information, but even better are the long conversations where we just talk and enjoy one other’s company. Those are the kinds of moments that relationships need in order to grow.

I’m going somewhere with all this….just hang with me a little longer. 🙂

When Mark is traveling, I know he has arrived somewhere since I receive an automated text from the airline saying that flight 442 has arrived. But, I feel part of his story when Mark texts me saying he has landed and all is well. What’s the difference? I have a relationship with Mark, not with the airline’s automated system! I enjoy talking to my kids and grandkids because I have a relationship with them. The only way for the relationship to continue to grow while we are miles apart is to continue to communicate intentionally.

It seems the Lord wanted me to know this truth. He wanted me to experience this truth. Pictures and videos reminding me of precious memories can be compared to spiritual markers in my past. But in order to keep my relationship vibrant and growing with the Lord I needed to be communicating with him more and on a deeper level. I can’t just rely on my memories of past experiences. Could it be that the Lord viewed my quick prayers at mealtime and bedtime or my perfunctory morning quiet time as I view those quick purposeful calls? They are nice, but they leave me wanting more from the relationship. Could it be that through my loneliness the Lord wanted to remind me to invest more time communicating with Him on a deeper level? The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:18, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” I began to ponder that and resolved to work on the relationship with my Father, and the first step was improving communication—PRAYER.

Lessons from Lessons

One of the things on my to-do list upon our return was to prepare the rest of this year’s curriculum for the small group Bible studies we do in our home weekly. I had encouraged several of the participants to take over the teaching responsibilities in our absence, but they were ready for me to re-engage in the teaching and prepare to train the next generation of leaders. I had planned on tackling subjects such as prayer, pride, envy, anger, greed, just to name a few. I had done my initial readings and was ready to begin my teaching notes and prepare the students’ study guides. But, as I began preparing the lessons on prayer, this teacher became the learner. The Lord began to show me how going through the motions of prayer is not the same as having a real conversation in prayer. He began to show me how reading the Psalms could actually help me give voice to my prayers in an all-new way. He began to show me how the book of Psalms is perfectly suited for praying His Word back to Him even when I didn’t have the words to pray. The book of Psalms deals with every single emotion I was feeling. Through the words of the Psalmist I learned that instead of focusing on me and my problems and my desires, I could focus on praising and worshiping Him and praying for the needs of others. I could pray the divinely inspired words of the Psalms back to God when I didn’t have words to express myself.

Interestingly enough, when I did this, I no longer felt like I was being battered by those waves. I no longer felt the overwhelming despair of lonliness. I no longer felt like I was drifting to a place I didn’t really want to go, but rather, I felt that I had a purpose bigger than myself. I began to pray for others I knew who were going through difficult times. And I made a conscious effort to be encouraging to others—whether it meant meeting someone for lunch or coffee to really talk, or sending an encouraging email or text. I soon learned that in God’s perfect timing, each time I sent a message or had a conversation, it seemed it was just what that person needed at that time. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I was just what they needed at that time. Rather, it was God’s Spirit in me ministering to them at that time, just the words they needed to hear. What if I had not had all that extra time on my hands? What if I had not spent that extra time in prayer? What if I had not read the Psalms and been motivated to pray for others? What if I had just prayed for them, but not followed up by sharing with the person that I had prayed for them? I think I would still be stuck in the “blue funk fog”, that’s what. And I think I would have missed out on the blessing of being used to show God’s love to someone else who was hurting.

Sometimes we have to be in the dark to appreciate the light. We have to go through the lonely times to appreciate a good conversation. If I close my eyes, I can almost hear the waves. The sound of the waves reminds me that God is in control. In fact, when Jesus spoke, the waves obeyed him!

I’m looking forward to our Saturday night Bible study time together to share what the Lord is teaching me. Thanks for your prayers! Don’t stop.