In English we say a picture is worth a thousand words. In the Portuguese language, there is a word worth a thousand pictures. “SAUDADES.”

sau·da·de [souˈdädə] (noun) a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament.

SAUDADE

A word in Portuguese and Galician (from which it entered Spanish) that claims no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade

We are in the final countdown month of preparations for our return to missionary service in Brazil. Many of you have asked how you can pray for us. Mark and Caron will both be sharing some thoughts on this poignant subject of leaving the land and people we love to return to the land and people we love. Here is the first of a two part series. Caron will share her reflections in Part 1; Mark will share his thoughts in Part 2.

Part 1 — Caron’s Reflections

As a mother, I well remember awaiting the birth of our second child and wondering how I could ever love another with the same kind of love I held for our firstborn. It took about .025 seconds for me to resolve that after his birth! I was amazed that my heart could make room for another to occupy the same level of intense love. Yet, that is exactly how I describe the situation I now find myself in.

I am a person who loves, feels at home at, and deeply misses when not present, two distinct countries, two different peoples, two different cultures. As we prepare to return to Brazil, people ask me, “Where do you consider home now?” My response: Both. And neither.

Allow me to explain:                                                                                                        Neither, because I will always be an “outsider”.

• In Brazil, I speak Portuguese, have Brazilian friends, observe Brazilian customs and holidays, but I am still American. I enjoy celebrating American holidays, making American recipes (especially desserts!) and my Portuguese has a distinct American accent, no matter how hard I try. I am an “accepted outsider”, but an outsider, nonetheless. I belong, but I am different.
• In the USA I find that here too, I am a bit of an outsider. It is the land of my birth, the home of my ancestors for several generations now. Yet, I find that after living abroad for 23 years, I am a foreigner to many of the customs, slang expressions, jokes, references to TV shows, understanding certain processes (pumping gas, automated Rx refills, to name a few). I crave different foods. I enjoy hanging out with internationals. I speak English without a foreign accent, but it doesn’t take long for folks to realize that I’m just a bit different. Thankfully, here too family and friends receive me as an “accepted outsider”.   I belong, but I am different.

Both, because I am “at home” both in Brazil and in the USA.

• When in the USA, I embrace whole-heartedly the culture, the people, the seemingly unlimited variety of options of everything to purchase for a reasonable price. I spend every possible moment out in the backyard: gardening, grilling out, and sitting around the fire pit. I enjoy watching the squirrels play and the hearing the birds sing (things I don’t get to do from my 10^th story apartment in Brazil.) Most of all I enjoy spending time with friends and family. I enjoy meeting friends for lunch or coffee. I enjoy Wednesday night suppers at church. I enjoy singing in the Christmas Cantata. I enjoy every moment I spend with my precious family. I cherish every diaper I changed, every bath given, every story read to my two grandsons and I cherish the special moments I have spent with their parents (our daughter and son-in-law). I cherish every road trip taken with our son, every song sung together and Trivial Pursuit game played (even though I never win). I value every hour spent in the waiting room of a doctors office with my mom, or trip to the grocery together; every visit with my mother-in-law around the dinner table at the assisted living residence. I find myself purposefully, intentionally, recording these memories (sights, sounds, smells, etc.) on the hard-drive of my brain so I can recall them at a later date and relive them. Yes, I’ll confess here, that is why I take so many pictures and post them at random times. I am reliving those special moments because I know that those moments will never return. Now, I am not saying that the same is not true for you, dear reader. But might I suggest that unless you think about the fact that you won’t have that opportunity again for a very long time (possibly never), you many not fully appreciate how precious it is to experience it now.

Saudade was once described as “the love that remains” after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one’s children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade

Yes, the USA is my home. I love it here. I don’t want to leave. (There, I said it.)

• Yet, I am ready to go “home” to Brazil. I miss my bed. I miss my kitchen. I miss my pictures. I miss my orchids. I miss my “stuff”. I miss my friends, bike rides, walks along the beaches, and churrascos (Brazilian cook outs). I don’t miss the urban traffic, but I do miss certain aspects of the city. Most of all, I miss what I do there.

I’m a teacher by trade. I have taught every age and every grade from preschool – high school at some point. I have taught English as a Second Language (ESL). I have taught cooking and sewing and needlework classes. I have taught in churches and in seminaries. God has used my abilities to teach to create within me a passion for discipleship. I love teaching new believers how to take their first steps in following Christ. I love helping folks understand the glorious mysteries of the Gospel. I get excited about explaining how the Bible is relevant to all of life to those friends who are “not-yet” believers. I am honored to have the privilege of teaching young couples what it is to have a marriage centered on Christ and to teach principles of godly parenting to first generation Christians. I am blessed beyond measure to practice hospitality and open our home for Bible studies and times of sweet fellowship. (Even when sometimes it feels like we are running a Bed and Breakfast!) I still teach, but at a much different level now. God has uniquely made me who I am (with my interests, talents and abilities) so that I can become who He wants me to be. I’m not saying that can only happen in Brazil.  But I am saying that is where God has placed me.

In a word, it is the “call” of God that empowers me to say goodbye to the life I love here in the USA and go embrace the life He has enabled me to love in Brazil. Many of you know we were offered the opportunity to for an early retirement package from our mission sending agency (IMB). After much prayer and soul searching, we decided not to accept it. Many of our dear friends and missionary colleagues chose to accept it. They too did so after much soul searching and prayer. It is not an easy decision to stay on the field or to return to the USA. Those of you involved in ministry know that decisions of this nature are not defined by financial loss or gain, but rather the sense of “call” on one’s life at that particular moment. I grieve for the loss of dear missionary friends and colleagues. I will miss them. I will add them to the list of my “saudades”. I can say with confidence though, that at this point in time, our call to “go and make disciples” is still what it was 23 years ago. The Lord has not yet released us from that call in Brazil.

Will you pray for us as we leave home to go home?

Saudades!                                                                                                                                  Caron